Steve Vai Plays With Himself Instead Of Dr. Zoltan!

Last year, Steve was given the opportunity to jam with Dr. Zoltan at an audition held in a secluded North Hollywood rehearsal studio. At the end of this video, you can see Steve playing the very song he played in the audition. While it is a great song, it is unfortunate that Dr. Zoltan was unable to accommodate Steve’s own yearning for creative solo music pursuits. The two shook hands and parted ways, never to have lunch again. Dr. Zoltan wishes Steve Vai the best in his solo career!

{ This post was written and proofreaded by Dr. Zoltan! If your tie-dyed t-shirt is still tucked in after reading it, visit Or wear a wig and fake beard and take yourself really seriously.}

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Metallica Still Can't Figure It Out…

Something is seriously wrong with Metallica. With all of the available resources (studios, microphones, pre-amps, guitars, engineers — and even the most powerful rock music producer in the world, Rick Rubin), they can’t figure out how to make an album sound professional. Their new single, “The Day That Never Comes” sounds like it was recorded on a cassette tape on a boom box.

Dr. Zoltan estimates that it has been roughly 13,140,000 seconds since a snare drum played by Lars Ulrich sounded correct. Dr. Zoltan also estimates that 13,140,000 amateur musicians in home studios all around the world have had no problem with that basic task. You might expect this sort of thing on a low budget — perhaps with a single Radio Shack microphone stuck in a closet, recorded onto a K-mart tape from 1992, but not considering the unlimited financial resources that Metallica has.

Rather than firing Bob Rock, they should have fired Lars Ulrich. Listen to that hi-hat disaster at 1:13. It is one of those moments where the drummer is not so sure he was supposed to go into that section, and he is ducking under the cymbals and looking around at his bandmates for validation. 

As if that is not wrong enough, the weakest performance of the worst drummer in the world had to be masked by digitally cranking a fancy volume knob akin the the Maximum Volumizer. Mastering? Bah.

The Day That Never Comes is the day that Metallica can remember anything they learned about sounding like non-amateurs.

{ This post was written and scrutinized, perhaps by gnomes licensed in perpetuity throughout the universe by Dr. Zoltan! If you find any scratches or bumps, visit Also… }

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War On Fun T-Shirts In New MutantMall Shop

BACK TO SCHOOL SALE! War On Fun T-Shirts are available for just $10 in the New MutantMall Shop.

Celebrity T-Shirt Model: Eman Laerton of YouHaveBadTasteInMusic and ChurchAcrossAmerica.

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Dr. Zoltan on getFreshMinds!

Katie Konrath at getFreshMinds has written a blog about Dr. Zoltan’s 81 Ideas On Creative Career

Her site was recently named one of the top Innovation Blogs by Guy Kawasaki’s site, AllTop

Subscribe to getFreshMinds in your favorite RSS Reader!

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"How To Sell…" Collection 1 (Success) On

If you are the type of human who enjoys purchasing mp3 files, “How To Sell The Whole F#@!ing Universe To Everybody… Once And For All!” – Collection 1 (Success) is now available on Coming soon to iTunes, too.

Other options:

Download 192k mp3 files of this album for FREE.
Listen to this album on iMeem.
Download Lossless FLAC files from The Secret Club.

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The new version of is live.


More items to come.

Buy Something!

Bookmark and Share Clearance Sale

For now, will not be carrying CDs by other artists.

$5 Inventory Liquidation on the following items:
Virgil Donati / Planet X – Live From Oz (CD)
Electrocution 250 – Cartoon Music From Hell (CD)
Devin Townsend Band – Synchestra (CD)

Limited quantities. Available on eBay.

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Flight of the Bumblebee, 320 BPM

Tiago Della Vega recently won the Fastest Guitarist in the Universe Contest. No amount of Peacock Terms can explain how fast this is. Watch the video in its entirety to find out.

{ This post was written and approved by Dr. Zoltan! If you have difficulty living in the 80’s, visit Feed them bananas and rice. }

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Dr. Zoltan's Ideas Applied To Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu

The Northern California Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu Academy have applied some of Dr. Zoltan’s “81 Ideas On Creative Career” to their training.

{ This post was written and approved by Dr. Zoltan! If your pectoral muscles are good for pushing other people down, visit Speak loudly and carry a heavy backpack. }

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700 Dr. Zoltan Cassettes Stolen!

As many of you know, Dr. Zoltan offered his entire discography (192k mp3 files) for FREE DOWNLOAD last month. What Dr. Zoltan didn’t realize is that these were actually CASSETTE TAPES. Over 700 of them flew into the air and exploded. The entire warehouse burned to the ground, destroying several hand-painted Voice of Nothing T-shirts and a Wags napkin. 

View photos of the disaster here:

{ This post was written and approved by Dr. Zoltan! If you put a hole in a dog’s butt, visit Or just run over green snake. What about that block? Do you like Elvis on MTV at 3am? }

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